Before we say “It’s not a big deal,” can we see it from their side?

This Reflection began with verse 44 of Pazhamozhi Naanooru.

The verse carries a simple question: before causing pain to another person, can we remember how we would feel if the same thing happened to us? It is not asking us to become guilty about every small mistake. It asks us to pause long enough to look beyond our own explanation.

HeartSpeaks is not reproducing or translating the verse here. We are taking its question into the ordinary places where people disappoint, misunderstand, and sometimes repair one another.

Imagine that a friend tells you they are tired of last-minute cancellations. You may have a good reason for every one of them: work ran late, family needed you, you were exhausted, or you simply could not manage one more thing that day.

Those reasons matter. But your friend may have been waiting, made arrangements, or kept that evening free because your time together mattered to them. They may not be saying that you are a bad friend. They may be saying, “This keeps hurting me, and I do not think you have noticed.”

There is a small difference between replying, “I had no choice,” and saying, “I did not realise this was landing that way. I am sorry.” The second response does not erase your reasons. It makes room for their experience as well.

Often, that is where repair begins—not with a perfect explanation, but with the feeling that someone has finally listened.

The question “Would this hurt me?” can be useful, but it cannot be the only test. Something that feels ordinary to us may carry more weight for another person.

One person may not mind a teasing comment. Another may have heard the same kind of comment for years. One person may be comfortable with delayed replies. Another may feel forgotten when silence comes after a difficult conversation.

Empathy is not assuming that everyone will feel as we do. It is being curious when they do not. We can ask, “What was that like for you?” before deciding that they are overreacting.

There is a limit here too. We cannot prevent every disappointment, and we do not have to accept every demand placed on us.

Someone may want more of our time than we can give. They may be upset by a boundary we genuinely need. Their feeling can be real without making our boundary wrong.

Perhaps the work is to separate the two questions: Did I cause a hurt I can repair? Or is this a moment where I need to remain kind while still saying no?

Both require care. Neither is always easy.